STRONG LANGUAGE- The Problem With Disney Movies... a different view....

I am a huge fan of Disney. So much so, that I have morphed into Ariel & have very high Tinkerbell Tendencies. However, there are things let us say "amiss" in the land of Disney. And we shall discover them... together...

EVERY single Disney Character suffers from hallucinations by the way. Cause they all have talking animals, or otherwise inanimate objects guiding them. That isn't so fearsome....in comparison.....

1- Let's start with Ariel-- she is a teenager. She is not an adult. And Triton is considered overbearing. He is. But hear me out a second. She is a MERMAID.... she gets a (magical or not) transformation into a HUMAN... with LEGS. This has to be equivalent to a sex change operation to the King of the Seaworld.  She then procedes to lose her voice which, is how Mermaids communicate. FINALLY, she gets on land and in 3 DAYS she is marrying some guy whom is the reason she underwent said changes. Now, I can honestly see how this happens hence she is my soul sistah. BUT IT ISNT RIGHT! She changed SPECIES to get a guy! That's....well... that's pretty huge. And lets be real... the way she did this? It makes those drunken Vegas marriages look like they are well thought out and planned! She hadn't even had a conversation with him!!! Moral of the story here? I shudder but.... ahhh nevermind you go this right? AND WHERE IS HER MOTHER?

2- Belle... BELLE has STOCKHOLM SYNDROME. Belle, identifies with her captor. She is so brainwashed when she is permitted to leave.. she DOESN'T. And dude has some serious anger management issues. She is such a mess, and so lonely, the dishes, candles, and assorted household items begin speaking with her. Just sayin. AND WHERE IS HER MOTHER? By the way... her response? Life sucks... gonna get lost in my books. I am thinking she may be another soul sistah of mine.... and quite a few others of my friends!

3- The Lion King & the relationship with Simba and Nala. Ummm... there is ONE lion in that pride.... ONE... and his name... is MUFASA. This begs the question as to WHOM is Nala's father? Because if he is the only male... imma go with Mufasa. Sooooooooooo ummmmmmmm... incest anyone? WHERE ARE THEIR MOTHERS ON THIS?

4- Cinderella. Birds help her shower. Mice are her friends. She has to "earn her keep" in her own home by being the slave to the family. Hello Cindy????? LAWSUIT????? I am reasonably sure as the only blood heiress to the mansion the step mother woulda have lost at least half.  Moving on from that however.... she and her trippy friend Snow White both are whisked off to be... SLAVES TO MEN THEY DONT KNOW!  WHERE ARE THEIR MOTHERS?? If you watch Cinderella backwards... you have a movie about a woman who apparently learns her place in the archaic sense. A lil creepy. 

Equally... can someone please tell me, why when their father's do remarry if they are such loving wonderful dads, do they choose these horrific beast women? I digress..... MOVING ON....

5- Jasmine... ooooooooooh Jasmine.... Jasmine has a pet tiger.  Jasmine is a SULTANS child. Jasmine... falls in love with.... a homeless thieving orphan..... uhhhh... WHAT? Dude lies to her, plays it up, manipulates and.... WHERE IS HER MOTHER?????

wait I am starting to see my OWN problem here.... ugh.....

So basically ALADDIN can be renamed... HE GOT GAME GIRL... and unfortunately whom she fell in love with... wasn't actually a real dude.... the GENIE made him....

6-  Sleeping Beauty..... hey I dunno about you but I really don't like being kissed when I am DRUGGED into a COMA! See a pretty girl lying around? YEAAAAAAAH go ahead... KISS HER! WHO CARES that she is unconscious! And where is HER mother? Yes we know where her mom is... completely oblivious and allowing three fairies to raise her deeeeeeeep in the woods. Hey kids! The correct response to your family being threatened is to send you FAR FAR AWAY! Forget the fact that the prince was able to kill Maleficant and oh I dunno maybe  the KING AND QUEEN should have invoked their royalness by killing her when she threatened the baby.... nope... nope... sent her away to be raised by 3 flying people.

7- The Jungle Book which is one of my favorite movies by the way... is OUT of control here with the missing parents. We don't even know WHY the parents are missing. Generally a pack of wolves would EAT the baby not RAISE the baby. We have no idea if said wolves ate mama and papa. We DO know.... this is a bit on the odd end of the spectrum.

8- Bambi, Lion King,Dumbo,  Tarzan- Is there ANY particular reason why Disney seems a weeeee bit obsessed with parents ripped tragically from their kids? Somehow this gives them more resolve? Uhhhhh....como? And Bambi has a seriously negligent father by the way. JUST wanted to point that shit out. Bambi's pop is the first documented dead beat dad. So anyone who has a deadbeat dad in their life? Ask that dad... if they were a fan of Bambi growing up.....

9- Winnie the Pooh.... ooooooooooh I am hitting below the belt now!!! EEYORE Is the first EMO trippinh on Acid that made Jerry Garcia jealous. Pooh is a binge eater and definitely a pothead. Tigger is on coke. Piglet on meth. Rabbit??? HE IS RICK JAMES BITCH! Crack Cocaine 100%.When out? ANY Amphetamine will do just fine. Kanga and roo....Kanga is an alcoholic nursing her lil baby who has fetal alcohol syndrome and is fully complacent with whatever anyone else wants to do. Christopher Robbin? Some lil punk ass that drops by every once in a while on a Shroom trip thereby entering into the world of his STUFFED ANIMALS!!!!!  Owl? THE DEALER. Any questions?

10- Pocahontas... I love how strong she is. I love how she needs NOBODY. THAT IS NOT HOW IT WENT! LMAO! It didn't go down that way peeps. Pocahontas was essentially stolen and sold by her tribe to the white man and forced to live her life in relative white captivity. WHY IS HER MOTHER COOL WITH THIS?

I really dont think I have to discuss Alice in Wonderland...but if I do... it is a blog unto its own!!!!

11- finally... Peter Pan. Sigh. First, the parents go to dinner and leave the DOG to watch the kids. The dog. To watch the kids. Next quite possibly the most racist thing in a cartoon happens in a song called What Makes the Red Man Red? The only song coming close to it racially is in Dumbo called When I see an Elephant Fly. Poor Poor Tiger Lilly the "indian princess". Uhhh Sherlock? PRINCESSES are a WHITE MANS thing. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN INDIAN "PRINCESS". The chief's daughters? Yes. Princesses? Absolutely not. Peter who is a freakin runaway... takes 3 NON runaways who have quite the cushy life albeit with two IDIOT parents and basically gets them chased, terrorized and almost killed by a pirate with a bad freakin atttitude about kids. But here... is where we also meet... my other soul sister..... TINKERBELL. OH TINK... I first fell in love with her because she has thick legs. Me too. And she HATES Wendy cause Wendy doesn't. OH I FEEL YOUR PAIN FAIRY SISTAH. But TINK... is hanging around PETER.... whom she is in love with obviously.... and is the long suffering female tolerating all sorts of bad behavior and getting his ass out of trouble putting her own life in danger regularly... JUST TO BE AROUND HIM..... instead of saying, "you know what Peter? Piss off you selfish lil bastard!" To add insult to injury, he brings WENDY around whom he obviously is infatuated with and tells TINK to be nice! Uhhhhh..... COMO, BITCH? 

Wow in writing this I just cracked myself up completely. Do you want to know if what I am saying besides from being bizarely funny in an ironic way because you don't really notice this shit unless you think about it? I am 100% sure in my description of the princesses & Tink... that I am right. Because ALL my mistakes with men are actually those combined.  The crap I put up with, the crap I know better than, the stupid shit I do for them... wow. And I am thinking of a few friends right now and uhh... don't laugh so quick buggers!!!!!

Okay I am writing this very tongue in cheek... I LOVE MY DISNEYS. I am going to watch one right now. No shit. I am putting on a Disney Movie RIGHT NOW because that's just how I roll. 

But this is ironically amusing, is it not?

STRONG LANGUAGE... I DONT LIKE " THE NOTEBOOK"

The Notebook… is sacred ground. I realize this. I know. I am about to send so MANY of my friends into spasmodic fits of satanic proportions. Because while I DO love SOME of the quotes from the movie… and there are some beautiful ones… umm

I hate this movie. Yes, I HATE The Notebook.

First and foremost let’s cut to the chase. It actually sends an incredibly bad message to men about love. Essentially it says you cannot ever love a woman enough and she will ultimately drive you fucking insane because of that love.

Guys.. .if that is your situation... .WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH? JUST SAYIN!!!!

Noah… climbed a ferris wheel to get Allie to go on a date with him… WHILE SHE WAS ON A DATE WITH ANOTHER MAN. Let’s look at this shall we? First, Noah, threatens to KILL himself RIGHT THERE if she doesn’t go out with him. Her date, shoulda kicked him. Frankly, all romantic moments were theoretically the property of the DUDE BUYING THE TICKETS FOR THE RIDES!!!! You are out with him! SUICIDE is NEVER romantic. The movie lost me pretty much RIGHT there.  She’s trolling for men while on a date.. RUDE! He is CLEARLY mentally unstable… somehow… score? Imma pass on the fucking wackjob threatening suicide over a DATE cause God ONLY knows wtf he is gonna do when the check comes ON the date!

Windsor Mansion- oooooooooh yes let me into your dream baby. Who cares if the ceilings are unstable…. And have brittle wood… that can BURST INTO FLAMES! Ah romance.

Noah is so much in Allie because ya know… a whopping summer… that he is supposedly her “true love”. No baby…. That’s just your FIRST love. She gets good at drinking and livin her rich lil life with her rich lil fiancée who is quite unaware that Mizz Thang isn’t so happy.

The blank canvas. OH YES… I know… undying desire for a future with Allie. REALLY??? GET THE FUCK ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND FIND SOMEONE TO BE HAPPY WITH!!! Seriously… this is like annoying beyond redemption to me. First, hello fiction? Even DISNEY is scratching their head going “whoa so far fetched” cause lets be real…NOT! Second are you telling me somehow it is utterly romantic to waste your life pining for a person that DOES NOT WANT YOU in the HOPES that they do? I understand what it is like to love someone that does not love you. LIVE YOUR FRIGGIN LIFE! Besides it was ONE DAMN SUMMER! ONE! AS KIDS! No jobs, no real life shit… gimme a break.

Geese are never romantic….ever.

Allie’s fiancé is the shiznizzle. He is perfect and rich and sweet and kind and tolerant and devoted and HOLLA the RING to PROVE his love… and what does she do? She makes a very clear decision to cheat on him. WHOO HOO SCRUPLES! Yep…slammed up against the cupboard and ravished. Is that supposed to be hot passion cause it looked a lot more like desperation from not getting any secondary to impersonating an Amish dude and holding out for Allie for a looooooooong time.

Pining relentlessly and destroying any possibility of a healthy normal life for the sake of a woman who lives life in the fast lane, goes to school, lives off her family fortune….. has NO contact with NOAH for like a looooooong time… and he KEEPS A ROOM FOR HER… hello ABDUCTOR/STALKER/GONE INSANE BE BACK LATER ringing any bells?

Reverse the roles in the movie for a second. If it were the chick being so detrimental to her life and it was the guy having her life…. If the guy left his very perfect and sweet fiancée to go be with someone he knew FOR A FEW MONTHS…devastating the other woman… and moves to the house with the girl that has been psychotically waiting for him….. would we even be having a conversation? NO!! She would be the psycho chick that like was insane and why on EARTH is he indulging this?? Then again... Kinda. That movie is called GREY GARDENS and we KNOW what happened to THOSE chicks!

I believe in true love and I believe in real love. NOBODY has to tell ME what it is like to lose that cause I did TWICE. NOBODY has to tell me the pain. But to dedicate your life… to someone.... in that manner… on the SHOT that they MAY come back… WHILE… they are out doing THEIR thing? Are you kidding me? How about… IF they COME BACK…you have both had fulfilling life experiences and relationships that maybe didn’t quite meet what you had together but you have GROWN and are going to go forward? How about ALLIE was MONUMENTALLY unfair to her fiancé by saying YES when apparently all it took was a suicidal dude to come back in her life.

Like I said.. I love the quotes from this movie. But suicidal wackjobs making shrines are not really good life partners... are they?